Naming my baby bean

Ever since losing my precious baby bean I've wondered if my love was a boy or girl. I miscarried too early to tell but I needed to know so I could name him/her and be able to refer to the correct gender. Now I'll never know the gender until I get to Heaven, but I've decided that I'm going to name my baby a gender neutral name. I think that someone who has lost a baby that they'd prayed for and were so excited to have will understand why I need to do this. 

A friend of mine was pregnant with twins and found out a little over a week ago that she lost one. I private messaged and asked if she was able to find out the gender and told her my reasons I wish I could have and she said no, but she really wanted to find out. She was able to do an at-home kit and just found out hers is a girl. She is in the process of finding the perfect name for her now. 

Today I started thinking of gender neutral names that "fit" with our family and I know for sure that the middle name will be Lee, after my mama. I've thought of several first names but none really fit. The name I'm leaning towards the most is Maddox or Mattox. We had that name picked out for a boy when I was pregnant with Mattilyn, but I now know a baby girl named this so I see how it can work both ways. So for now, my baby in Heaven is named Maddox Lee Butler. At this time this name seems more masculine and less gender neutral than I wanted, but it's a name that I could see us using and it's important that my baby has that. 

In the off chance someone actually looks at my blog, thanks for reading my rambling post. 

God bless! 

Be intentional

Okay, so this may come out as a jumbled up mess, but I'm going to do my best to put into words the way I feel and the morning I had. It all started with a dream which is going to be the toughest for me to try to explain. In my dream there was a group of people at a large house with a pool and it was right across from the beach. I'd left the girls outside with a group of kids and told the girls not to go to the beach. I was inside with the other adults when some of the other kids came running in to tell me that all three of my kids were at the beach. I went running outside and across to the beach and the whole place was PACKED with people. I was screaming the girls' names and crying. I was so afraid someone had taken them or they'd gotten lost. After several times of screaming for them, Mattilyn popped her over the back of a beach chair. I rushed to them and grabbed my baby boy (8 months old)  and just kept crying, so thankful they were all okay. I told them to come with me, we had to talk. When we got back to the house I told the other kids not to come with us and I took my kids to a room to talk. 

Anyone that knows my oldest daughter knows that at this point (if it were real life) she would be crying, but in my dream she was very nonchalant about the whole thing. She wasn't disrespectful or anything, she just didn't see the problem with her disobedience. I explained to her how serious it was and how someone could've taken them and how if the other kids had not told me where they'd gone, I might not have found them. The dream was incredibly realistic and my emotions were intense. I felt like I'd failed my kids and it was all very overwhelming. I know that I can't convey on a blog the intensity of the dream, but it was like I knew that the outcome could've been much worse had I not been told what they'd done. 

When I woke up I just wanted to hold my babies and do better by them. I've been dealing lately with feelings of failure and like I'm not enough. My oldest is ten now and it's hard for me a lot of times to treat her the way I treat my 6 year old or 8 month old, especially since my baby demands so much attention. But this morning when I woke up, I decided I needed to be intentional about the way I treat my children. Like most mornings my 6 year old climbed in my bed when she woke up and I started telling her how much I loved her (she's a snuggler so I hug her pretty often). I got up and went to the kitchen and started cleaning our new fridge and I heard my oldest stirring. I went to her bed and she was still asleep but I sat beside her, leaned over, and kissed her on her ear, then I went back to do my work in the kitchen. Maybe ten minutes later she got up and came into the kitchen and gave me a hug as I walking to talk to my husband. When I came back to her she said, "it's been a long time since I hugged you". I told her I sure missed her hugs. 

Fast forward a couple hours and I she brought me a letter. I'm going to type it out exactly how she wrote it: "Party Invetation  Dear,Mommy, you are invited to a party exspecialy for you. It will be at 12:00-1:00. Lunch will be served at the party. P.s. The reason we are having this party is to show you how much we appriciate you." The girls decorated for a party, put up a party game, and collected some presents for me from our gift cabinet, complete in bags with tissue paper. My oldest told me that she got the idea this morning when I came in her room and kissed her on the ear. My heart is so full! 

I feel like God sent that dream to me to remind me to be intentional with my kids. I'm a sleep-deprived mess most days and I feel like I'm barely getting by, but that doesn't mean that I can't make sure to remind my kids how special and important they are. I felt like it was important for me to write this down even though no one reads my blog but me, so that I can come back and read and remember this day again and again. Did our whole day go as magical as our morning? Nope. The baby fought his nap, the girls fussed and fought, I didn't accomplish near as much as I wanted to around the house. That's life. But I had a magical morning and I'm going to try my best to start both girls out in the morning with big hugs and kisses and more reasons why I love them so much. 

My life as a mom of three

I suppose we go through different seasons of life and different identities for each season. When I was growing up I was "Joe Sannutti's daughter". Everyone knows my daddy and my identity was Joe's daughter. As I grew I developed my own relationships and became Jessi. Once married I took on the identity of "wife of Matt Butler". This was a fun new season that I welcomed with open arms. My most exciting season began in October 2005 when I became mommy. I am so blessed to be able to experience this identity. I took for granted that I would be a mother. I never once thought, What if I can't have/carry a baby? Thankfully I had no trouble conceiving my precious babies. If you've read my other posts you know that in 2014 I suffered a miscarriage that opened my eyes to the intense grief of loss. I already had two healthy children, but losing that baby was so horrible. It made me have a new compassion for women struggling with infertility. I had foolishly never realized how much it must hurt to want a baby so bad but for whatever reason not be able to have one. God gave me my rainbow baby in the fall of 2015 and I entered the newest season of my life - mom of three and also the new title of boymom. Don't get me wrong - I have the coolest daughters that ever walked the planet. I love them with every fiber of my being and I'm so glad God gave them both to me. I'm also glad I had them first. They're so much fun and bring so much joy to my life. But something was always missing - I had a deep desire to experience being the mommy of a little boy. I can't wait to experience the special bond between a mother and her son! As I write this, Maxon is not quite 6 months old but he is already a mama's boy 😉 

I feel like I screw up every day. I get too frustrated with my kids, I get irritated with Matt, I get mad at myself for not living up to the expectations put out there by society. I feel like I don't measure up. Sometimes my mom guilt is so intense at night that I just want to wake up my girls and hug them. This is all just a part of life and something I have to deal with in this season. There will come a day when I've raised my children and a new season will begin. I'm going to enjoy every second of this roller coaster ride that I can! There's the saying, The days are long but the years are short. This could not be more true. I hope that when my children are grown they will look back and see just how much their mama has always loved them. I hope they see past all of my shortcomings and imperfections and remember the good times. They're my heartbeat and I am so very thankful for my precious family. 

Valentine's Day 2016

Today has been a great day. Heck, this past year has been pretty awesome. Last Valentine's Day I was hoping beyond hope that I was pregnant. I was scared to get excited because of the miscarriage, but I had a feeling I just might be pregnant again. I decided I would take a test the next morning, my birthday. We were staying in Savannah, so the next day we went to the mall and I took a test in with me. I couldn't believe when the lines showed up that I was pregnant again!!! I was so excited I couldn't stand it but Matt and I agreed we wouldn't share the news publicly until we were further along. Losing our baby 3 months prior had been so horrible and we were both scared to get too excited. 

Like I said in an earlier post, I'm so mad at myself for not documenting the pregnancy. I will try to remember things but now that my precious boy is here, the pregnancy woes are mostly forgotten. 

I will say that the first trimester was torture. I stayed so sick and I had zero energy. It was hard to get through the day, yet impossible to get a lot of rest because of other obligations, like moming and adulting. I felt like the first trimester would never end and I would never make it to 16 weeks to find out the gender! 

We went all out and had a fun gender reveal party. I was sure it was another girl, but at the same time sure it would be a boy this time. Basically I had no clue. When I cut into that cake and saw blue all I could do was cry! I would've been so in love with a third girl, of course, but I had always wanted a son. I couldn't wait to experience the bond between a mother and her boy. 

The second trimester went by much too quickly and before I knew it I was into the last stretch. Of course the last few months were rough because I couldn't breathe or tie my shoes or shave my legs, but in no time at all it was October and time for my little man to arrive. He was due on Oct 21 but both girls were early so we weren't sure when to expect him. Matt had to travel for work the last week of September and the first week of October. We were so scared he might be out of town when baby boy decided to come! Thankfully I carried Maxon to 39 weeks and he was born on October 14. 

I've been blessed to have good labors and deliveries. They're no walk in the park, but the labors are quick and I've recovered well from all three. I'm so very thankful for this! 

The rough part came when Maxon was one day old when I started dealing with some baby blues but I think I'll save all that for another blog. Maxon has just woken up fussy and I'm going to nurse him back to sleep. Will post more when I have the chance! 

Catching up

This will be a quick post and I will try to write more soon. When I was pregnant in the fall of 2014 I wanted to record every moment of it. I had plans of "doing better" as far as keeping up with everything. Then I miscarried. The grief was overwhelming. I'm thankful that I recorded my story but I lost my desire to keep up with all that was happening apart from that. 

Fast forward a few months and I found out on my birthday 2015 that I was pregnant again. I was terrified of losing another baby. I didn't blog about my pregnancy and I really regret that. I gave birth to a perfect baby boy in October 2015 and as I type this I am snuggled up with him. 

I will try to blog very soon and fill in a bunch of gaps of what has happened in the year since I last blogged. I at least wanted to write a little in case I allow life to distract me further from blogging. 

Talking about Heaven with a 4 year old

Mattilyn and have had discussions before about Heaven and how perfect it will be. This morning the subject was brought up again and we were talking about how once we are there we will never die or get sick or hurt. She said she can't wait to get there and meet the other kids. She kept saying how she was ready to go and I told her that we needed to stay on earth as long as we are supposed to and we will go to Heaven when it is time. I told her that we needed to pray about our time on earth. I told her I didn't want her going to Heaven without me because I want her here on earth.
She looked at me with her big brown eyes wide open and said, "Mama, if you go to Heaven before me..." (pause for effect and for me to think she will say how lost she would be without me), "I will still have my daddy... and your jewelry". She looked down at my phone and in just as serious a voice and with eyes still big she said, "And mama, if you go to Heaven before me can I have your phone?"

Sad news about baby bean - WARNING - may be graphic

    This is such a difficult blog to write and honestly one that I never dreamed I would have to write. The past few weeks have been a blur but I feel that writing this out will help with my healing.
My first appointment for baby bean was on September 23rd. According to my calculations I figured I was almost 8 weeks. When my doctor did the ultrasound however, he looked worried. He told me that there was no way I was 8 weeks. Either my weeks were off or something was wrong with my baby.
    I began praying like crazy for my baby and I asked so many friends to pray with me. My doctor wanted to see me the next week and he said if all was well my baby would have doubled in size and we would hear a heartbeat. My hubby was supposed to be at a men's retreat on the Friday of my appointment but he stayed home so that he could be with me. I tried to assure him that it would be okay so he should go on for the weekend but he told me he was where he needed to be. I am so thankful now that he chose to stay home that weekend. On October 3rd I went for the ultrasound and even though I had prayed so hard and had  spoken nothing but life over my baby, I received the devastating news that my baby was gone. Not only was there no heartbeat, but there was no longer a baby. My doctor explained that my body was absorbing the baby and I was experiencing a missed miscarriage. My baby was gone but my body still thought it was pregnant so instead of having signs of a miscarriage I was continuously having pregnancy symptoms. I made it until the doctor left the room before I lost control. I had cried as soon as he told me the news but I didn't really sob until he left the room. I couldn't believe that I had really lost my baby. I have two beautiful healthy daughters and I just never thought I would experience this. I was surprised how bad this hurt.
    When my doctor came back into the room he talked about my options. I could have a D&C (surgery to remove the tissue and sac), allow my body to miscarry naturally (which could take days, weeks, or months), or try a pill called cytotec that should cause my body to miscarry. I chose to try the pills so he sent me home with a prescription. The next morning, Saturday Oct 4th, I started the pills. This was incredibly emotional. It felt so final, like I was terminating my pregnancy even though I knew that wasn't the case. We arranged for our girls to be with a family member so they wouldn't be around as I miscarried. We prepared as well we knew how and waited. And waited and waited and waited. Absolutely nothing happened. Talk about an emotional blow. I needed so bad for the physical part to be over so I could begin to heal emotionally. I had another ultrasound appt scheduled for the next Monday so I went in and explained that nothing had happened with the pills. My doctor asked if I would like to try once more. If they didn't work the second time we would schedule a D&C. I agreed and we left with another script for cytotec.
    I started the second round of cytotec on Oct 6th and prepared for the miscarriage. Just like the first time, absolutely nothing happened. Not a single cramp or spot of blood. The emotional toll this time was even worse. I felt that my body continued to betray me. Not only had I lost my baby, but now my body was hanging on to a pregnancy that was not viable. I struggled with my emotions and if not for prayer and my faith in God I believe I may have fallen into depression. I was scheduled to leave for a ladies retreat on Thursday Oct 9th. I knew that was where I needed to be, miscarriage or not. My next appointment with my doctor was scheduled for Oct 15th where we would discuss where to go from here. I attended the ladies retreat and had an awesome time. I laughed a ton, received so many hugs and prayers, and cried a whole lot. I believe I experienced a good deal of healing.
On Wednesday, Oct 15th (yesterday), I went to my doctor for another ultrasound and to schedule the surgery. My doctor did the ultrasound and told me that it looked like blood clots were surrounding the sac. We scheduled the D&C for Monday Oct 20th and he told me that if I wanted to try cytotec a third time, although he does not usually recommend that, he felt that I would be okay to try. He said it would not harm me to try it again so I told him that I would keep my surgery date but I would also like to try the cytotec. I came straight home from the doctor and began the cytotec around 5pm. By around 11pm I was experiencing bleeding but not too heavy. I woke up around 4am and I was bleeding very heavily and had some cramping. This lasted and got worse and worse until around 11am. Around this time the cramping and bleeding began to subside and I started to feel better. Between the hours of 6-11 though I was afraid I might be losing way too much blood. I had no idea what to expect and I was actually not as prepared as I thought I was. I ended up having to throw away more than one set of clothes and a towel (I apologize for the TMI). The saying that this too shall pass is true though. Physically I feel great now, other than a strange emptiness I feel now that my body is emptied of my baby. I know and understand that my baby has been in Heaven for several weeks now so I can't really explain the emptiness. I am so glad that my body has gone through this physical part though.
    I know that I will never "get over" this and I am okay with that. I lost my baby. I lost a child. I never heard the heartbeat or got to feel my baby move, but I was already madly in love with this little one. When I get really sad I just picture Jesus holding my baby. I lost my grandfather and my husband's grandfather in the past 4 months. I love to think of them taking turns rocking my baby in Heaven <3
    I go back to my doctor at 9:30 tomorrow morning, Oct 17th, for another ultrasound. If my body has completely miscarried and there is nothing left, I can cancel the surgery. I will try to update once I know for sure.
    I know that God works all things out for my good, so we will see what happens from here. I do know that I gained a huge compassion for anyone dealing with this type of loss and I will now be able to share my story with others and hopefully offer words of hope to someone else.

*Update: 10/18/14 - I went for my ultrasound yesterday and I didn't get the news I hoped for. Although my body passed a lot on Thursday, it apparently didn't pass everything, including the sac. My doctor asked if I would rather keep the surgery, or since so much had passed and only a little remained, would I like to try another medicine, Methergine, to see if my body would finish this on its own. I chose to try the new medicine which I am taking 4 times a day for 3 days. I started yesterday at lunch and took 3 total yesterday. I have taken all 4 today, since it is 9pm on Saturday. I still have 5 total pills to go and I am feeling discouraged. After taking the pill at lunch today I experienced some cramping and passed some tissue and blood, but nothing like I did on Thursday. I am just scared that after everything I have been through over the past few weeks, I am still going to have to have surgery to finish getting everything out. :( This is so emotionally taxing and I wish it was over. My hubby says that maybe I passed everything earlier today, but I definitely don't want to get my hopes up. All I can do is continue taking the meds and pray that everything has passed when I go back to my doctor on Monday. I will update more as it happens.

**Update: 10/20/14 - I went for another ultrasound this afternoon and it turns out that my body still did not fully miscarry so we scheduled a D & C for this coming Thursday, the 23rd. This whole process has been so emotionally draining and frustrating, but I keep telling myself that this should all be over in just a few more days. I think the worst thing is that I have put my body through so much with three rounds of cytotec and then the methergine and it seems it was all for nothing. I still have to have surgery after all. But to tell the truth I am really okay with this. I am glad that my body can begin to heal physically and move on from this. I am still really in shock that this even happened. It never crossed my mind that I might have a miscarriage. Now I am afraid that if/when I get pregnant again I am going to turn into a paranoid pregnant woman scared to do anything. With my previous pregnancies however, I wasn't nervous or scared at all. Anyway, now I am just rambling. I will do another update after the surgery.

Update 11/2/14: Oops! I didn't mean to wait so long to update but I got so busy with my daughter's birthday then Halloween. So, my surgery was scheduled for Thursday, October 23, and I was supposed to be at the hospital at 6:30am. On Wednesday the 22nd I was at work and I had bought an adorable pumpkin dress for my 4 year old that needed a bow to match. Around 3:30pm I was walking out of work to go find a bow and when I got to my van I felt a familiar sensation. I ran to the bathroom and I was indeed passing lots of blood and tissue. I work with my parents so I yelled at my mama that something was happening and I had to leave. By the time I got home my body was fully miscarrying. I called my Doctor's office and explained the situation and told them that I didn't want to show up for surgery if this was finally it. I live close to an hour from my doctor and by then it was close to 4 so I explained that I needed to know quickly if I needed to head towards the office. After still not hearing back from them I decided to call back. The girl put me on hold and while on hold I got a beep from their office and it was my doctor. I explained it all to him and he asked if we could be there by 5:15 (by this time it was about 4:15 or so). We left within 10 minutes and made it to his office at 5:10. Once back there, the doctor did another ultrasound and told us that it looked like there was one piece of tissue in the cervix so he did a procedure in office (ow!) and removed that and told me that he was now 95% sure this is finally over. He laughed and told me I was cutting it down to the wire with this! I go back to see him on Friday, Nov 7, to make sure all is well and my body is healing as it should.

Update 11/24/14: I feel like this ordeal is never going to be over, but I know that it really will be one of these days. I can't believe just how long things really are stretching out. When I went to the doctor on Nov 7th, he checked and there is still a 1/2" piece of tissue left. Because I had not had a period since July he wanted to see if my body would pass that one last piece on it's own so he scheduled me for another visit on December 16th to see if everything is gone. At this visit he will do something called a saline sonogram. I am praying AGAIN that this will truly be over when I go back. If not then he is going to schedule a D & C after all for probably January. Once again, I will update when I know more. Praying diligently that my next post on here will be that this ordeal is officially over!!

Update 12/31/14: Oops! I did not mean to take so long to update. I went to my doctor for the saline sonogram on December 11th or 12th and I finally received GOOD NEWS!!!! My body has completely healed from the miscarriage and is getting back to normal <3 Praise The Lord!!