Sad news about baby bean - WARNING - may be graphic

    This is such a difficult blog to write and honestly one that I never dreamed I would have to write. The past few weeks have been a blur but I feel that writing this out will help with my healing.
My first appointment for baby bean was on September 23rd. According to my calculations I figured I was almost 8 weeks. When my doctor did the ultrasound however, he looked worried. He told me that there was no way I was 8 weeks. Either my weeks were off or something was wrong with my baby.
    I began praying like crazy for my baby and I asked so many friends to pray with me. My doctor wanted to see me the next week and he said if all was well my baby would have doubled in size and we would hear a heartbeat. My hubby was supposed to be at a men's retreat on the Friday of my appointment but he stayed home so that he could be with me. I tried to assure him that it would be okay so he should go on for the weekend but he told me he was where he needed to be. I am so thankful now that he chose to stay home that weekend. On October 3rd I went for the ultrasound and even though I had prayed so hard and had  spoken nothing but life over my baby, I received the devastating news that my baby was gone. Not only was there no heartbeat, but there was no longer a baby. My doctor explained that my body was absorbing the baby and I was experiencing a missed miscarriage. My baby was gone but my body still thought it was pregnant so instead of having signs of a miscarriage I was continuously having pregnancy symptoms. I made it until the doctor left the room before I lost control. I had cried as soon as he told me the news but I didn't really sob until he left the room. I couldn't believe that I had really lost my baby. I have two beautiful healthy daughters and I just never thought I would experience this. I was surprised how bad this hurt.
    When my doctor came back into the room he talked about my options. I could have a D&C (surgery to remove the tissue and sac), allow my body to miscarry naturally (which could take days, weeks, or months), or try a pill called cytotec that should cause my body to miscarry. I chose to try the pills so he sent me home with a prescription. The next morning, Saturday Oct 4th, I started the pills. This was incredibly emotional. It felt so final, like I was terminating my pregnancy even though I knew that wasn't the case. We arranged for our girls to be with a family member so they wouldn't be around as I miscarried. We prepared as well we knew how and waited. And waited and waited and waited. Absolutely nothing happened. Talk about an emotional blow. I needed so bad for the physical part to be over so I could begin to heal emotionally. I had another ultrasound appt scheduled for the next Monday so I went in and explained that nothing had happened with the pills. My doctor asked if I would like to try once more. If they didn't work the second time we would schedule a D&C. I agreed and we left with another script for cytotec.
    I started the second round of cytotec on Oct 6th and prepared for the miscarriage. Just like the first time, absolutely nothing happened. Not a single cramp or spot of blood. The emotional toll this time was even worse. I felt that my body continued to betray me. Not only had I lost my baby, but now my body was hanging on to a pregnancy that was not viable. I struggled with my emotions and if not for prayer and my faith in God I believe I may have fallen into depression. I was scheduled to leave for a ladies retreat on Thursday Oct 9th. I knew that was where I needed to be, miscarriage or not. My next appointment with my doctor was scheduled for Oct 15th where we would discuss where to go from here. I attended the ladies retreat and had an awesome time. I laughed a ton, received so many hugs and prayers, and cried a whole lot. I believe I experienced a good deal of healing.
On Wednesday, Oct 15th (yesterday), I went to my doctor for another ultrasound and to schedule the surgery. My doctor did the ultrasound and told me that it looked like blood clots were surrounding the sac. We scheduled the D&C for Monday Oct 20th and he told me that if I wanted to try cytotec a third time, although he does not usually recommend that, he felt that I would be okay to try. He said it would not harm me to try it again so I told him that I would keep my surgery date but I would also like to try the cytotec. I came straight home from the doctor and began the cytotec around 5pm. By around 11pm I was experiencing bleeding but not too heavy. I woke up around 4am and I was bleeding very heavily and had some cramping. This lasted and got worse and worse until around 11am. Around this time the cramping and bleeding began to subside and I started to feel better. Between the hours of 6-11 though I was afraid I might be losing way too much blood. I had no idea what to expect and I was actually not as prepared as I thought I was. I ended up having to throw away more than one set of clothes and a towel (I apologize for the TMI). The saying that this too shall pass is true though. Physically I feel great now, other than a strange emptiness I feel now that my body is emptied of my baby. I know and understand that my baby has been in Heaven for several weeks now so I can't really explain the emptiness. I am so glad that my body has gone through this physical part though.
    I know that I will never "get over" this and I am okay with that. I lost my baby. I lost a child. I never heard the heartbeat or got to feel my baby move, but I was already madly in love with this little one. When I get really sad I just picture Jesus holding my baby. I lost my grandfather and my husband's grandfather in the past 4 months. I love to think of them taking turns rocking my baby in Heaven <3
    I go back to my doctor at 9:30 tomorrow morning, Oct 17th, for another ultrasound. If my body has completely miscarried and there is nothing left, I can cancel the surgery. I will try to update once I know for sure.
    I know that God works all things out for my good, so we will see what happens from here. I do know that I gained a huge compassion for anyone dealing with this type of loss and I will now be able to share my story with others and hopefully offer words of hope to someone else.

*Update: 10/18/14 - I went for my ultrasound yesterday and I didn't get the news I hoped for. Although my body passed a lot on Thursday, it apparently didn't pass everything, including the sac. My doctor asked if I would rather keep the surgery, or since so much had passed and only a little remained, would I like to try another medicine, Methergine, to see if my body would finish this on its own. I chose to try the new medicine which I am taking 4 times a day for 3 days. I started yesterday at lunch and took 3 total yesterday. I have taken all 4 today, since it is 9pm on Saturday. I still have 5 total pills to go and I am feeling discouraged. After taking the pill at lunch today I experienced some cramping and passed some tissue and blood, but nothing like I did on Thursday. I am just scared that after everything I have been through over the past few weeks, I am still going to have to have surgery to finish getting everything out. :( This is so emotionally taxing and I wish it was over. My hubby says that maybe I passed everything earlier today, but I definitely don't want to get my hopes up. All I can do is continue taking the meds and pray that everything has passed when I go back to my doctor on Monday. I will update more as it happens.

**Update: 10/20/14 - I went for another ultrasound this afternoon and it turns out that my body still did not fully miscarry so we scheduled a D & C for this coming Thursday, the 23rd. This whole process has been so emotionally draining and frustrating, but I keep telling myself that this should all be over in just a few more days. I think the worst thing is that I have put my body through so much with three rounds of cytotec and then the methergine and it seems it was all for nothing. I still have to have surgery after all. But to tell the truth I am really okay with this. I am glad that my body can begin to heal physically and move on from this. I am still really in shock that this even happened. It never crossed my mind that I might have a miscarriage. Now I am afraid that if/when I get pregnant again I am going to turn into a paranoid pregnant woman scared to do anything. With my previous pregnancies however, I wasn't nervous or scared at all. Anyway, now I am just rambling. I will do another update after the surgery.

Update 11/2/14: Oops! I didn't mean to wait so long to update but I got so busy with my daughter's birthday then Halloween. So, my surgery was scheduled for Thursday, October 23, and I was supposed to be at the hospital at 6:30am. On Wednesday the 22nd I was at work and I had bought an adorable pumpkin dress for my 4 year old that needed a bow to match. Around 3:30pm I was walking out of work to go find a bow and when I got to my van I felt a familiar sensation. I ran to the bathroom and I was indeed passing lots of blood and tissue. I work with my parents so I yelled at my mama that something was happening and I had to leave. By the time I got home my body was fully miscarrying. I called my Doctor's office and explained the situation and told them that I didn't want to show up for surgery if this was finally it. I live close to an hour from my doctor and by then it was close to 4 so I explained that I needed to know quickly if I needed to head towards the office. After still not hearing back from them I decided to call back. The girl put me on hold and while on hold I got a beep from their office and it was my doctor. I explained it all to him and he asked if we could be there by 5:15 (by this time it was about 4:15 or so). We left within 10 minutes and made it to his office at 5:10. Once back there, the doctor did another ultrasound and told us that it looked like there was one piece of tissue in the cervix so he did a procedure in office (ow!) and removed that and told me that he was now 95% sure this is finally over. He laughed and told me I was cutting it down to the wire with this! I go back to see him on Friday, Nov 7, to make sure all is well and my body is healing as it should.

Update 11/24/14: I feel like this ordeal is never going to be over, but I know that it really will be one of these days. I can't believe just how long things really are stretching out. When I went to the doctor on Nov 7th, he checked and there is still a 1/2" piece of tissue left. Because I had not had a period since July he wanted to see if my body would pass that one last piece on it's own so he scheduled me for another visit on December 16th to see if everything is gone. At this visit he will do something called a saline sonogram. I am praying AGAIN that this will truly be over when I go back. If not then he is going to schedule a D & C after all for probably January. Once again, I will update when I know more. Praying diligently that my next post on here will be that this ordeal is officially over!!

Update 12/31/14: Oops! I did not mean to take so long to update. I went to my doctor for the saline sonogram on December 11th or 12th and I finally received GOOD NEWS!!!! My body has completely healed from the miscarriage and is getting back to normal <3 Praise The Lord!!