Naming my baby bean

Ever since losing my precious baby bean I've wondered if my love was a boy or girl. I miscarried too early to tell but I needed to know so I could name him/her and be able to refer to the correct gender. Now I'll never know the gender until I get to Heaven, but I've decided that I'm going to name my baby a gender neutral name. I think that someone who has lost a baby that they'd prayed for and were so excited to have will understand why I need to do this. 

A friend of mine was pregnant with twins and found out a little over a week ago that she lost one. I private messaged and asked if she was able to find out the gender and told her my reasons I wish I could have and she said no, but she really wanted to find out. She was able to do an at-home kit and just found out hers is a girl. She is in the process of finding the perfect name for her now. 

Today I started thinking of gender neutral names that "fit" with our family and I know for sure that the middle name will be Lee, after my mama. I've thought of several first names but none really fit. The name I'm leaning towards the most is Maddox or Mattox. We had that name picked out for a boy when I was pregnant with Mattilyn, but I now know a baby girl named this so I see how it can work both ways. So for now, my baby in Heaven is named Maddox Lee Butler. At this time this name seems more masculine and less gender neutral than I wanted, but it's a name that I could see us using and it's important that my baby has that. 

In the off chance someone actually looks at my blog, thanks for reading my rambling post. 

God bless! 

Be intentional

Okay, so this may come out as a jumbled up mess, but I'm going to do my best to put into words the way I feel and the morning I had. It all started with a dream which is going to be the toughest for me to try to explain. In my dream there was a group of people at a large house with a pool and it was right across from the beach. I'd left the girls outside with a group of kids and told the girls not to go to the beach. I was inside with the other adults when some of the other kids came running in to tell me that all three of my kids were at the beach. I went running outside and across to the beach and the whole place was PACKED with people. I was screaming the girls' names and crying. I was so afraid someone had taken them or they'd gotten lost. After several times of screaming for them, Mattilyn popped her over the back of a beach chair. I rushed to them and grabbed my baby boy (8 months old)  and just kept crying, so thankful they were all okay. I told them to come with me, we had to talk. When we got back to the house I told the other kids not to come with us and I took my kids to a room to talk. 

Anyone that knows my oldest daughter knows that at this point (if it were real life) she would be crying, but in my dream she was very nonchalant about the whole thing. She wasn't disrespectful or anything, she just didn't see the problem with her disobedience. I explained to her how serious it was and how someone could've taken them and how if the other kids had not told me where they'd gone, I might not have found them. The dream was incredibly realistic and my emotions were intense. I felt like I'd failed my kids and it was all very overwhelming. I know that I can't convey on a blog the intensity of the dream, but it was like I knew that the outcome could've been much worse had I not been told what they'd done. 

When I woke up I just wanted to hold my babies and do better by them. I've been dealing lately with feelings of failure and like I'm not enough. My oldest is ten now and it's hard for me a lot of times to treat her the way I treat my 6 year old or 8 month old, especially since my baby demands so much attention. But this morning when I woke up, I decided I needed to be intentional about the way I treat my children. Like most mornings my 6 year old climbed in my bed when she woke up and I started telling her how much I loved her (she's a snuggler so I hug her pretty often). I got up and went to the kitchen and started cleaning our new fridge and I heard my oldest stirring. I went to her bed and she was still asleep but I sat beside her, leaned over, and kissed her on her ear, then I went back to do my work in the kitchen. Maybe ten minutes later she got up and came into the kitchen and gave me a hug as I walking to talk to my husband. When I came back to her she said, "it's been a long time since I hugged you". I told her I sure missed her hugs. 

Fast forward a couple hours and I she brought me a letter. I'm going to type it out exactly how she wrote it: "Party Invetation  Dear,Mommy, you are invited to a party exspecialy for you. It will be at 12:00-1:00. Lunch will be served at the party. P.s. The reason we are having this party is to show you how much we appriciate you." The girls decorated for a party, put up a party game, and collected some presents for me from our gift cabinet, complete in bags with tissue paper. My oldest told me that she got the idea this morning when I came in her room and kissed her on the ear. My heart is so full! 

I feel like God sent that dream to me to remind me to be intentional with my kids. I'm a sleep-deprived mess most days and I feel like I'm barely getting by, but that doesn't mean that I can't make sure to remind my kids how special and important they are. I felt like it was important for me to write this down even though no one reads my blog but me, so that I can come back and read and remember this day again and again. Did our whole day go as magical as our morning? Nope. The baby fought his nap, the girls fussed and fought, I didn't accomplish near as much as I wanted to around the house. That's life. But I had a magical morning and I'm going to try my best to start both girls out in the morning with big hugs and kisses and more reasons why I love them so much. 

My life as a mom of three

I suppose we go through different seasons of life and different identities for each season. When I was growing up I was "Joe Sannutti's daughter". Everyone knows my daddy and my identity was Joe's daughter. As I grew I developed my own relationships and became Jessi. Once married I took on the identity of "wife of Matt Butler". This was a fun new season that I welcomed with open arms. My most exciting season began in October 2005 when I became mommy. I am so blessed to be able to experience this identity. I took for granted that I would be a mother. I never once thought, What if I can't have/carry a baby? Thankfully I had no trouble conceiving my precious babies. If you've read my other posts you know that in 2014 I suffered a miscarriage that opened my eyes to the intense grief of loss. I already had two healthy children, but losing that baby was so horrible. It made me have a new compassion for women struggling with infertility. I had foolishly never realized how much it must hurt to want a baby so bad but for whatever reason not be able to have one. God gave me my rainbow baby in the fall of 2015 and I entered the newest season of my life - mom of three and also the new title of boymom. Don't get me wrong - I have the coolest daughters that ever walked the planet. I love them with every fiber of my being and I'm so glad God gave them both to me. I'm also glad I had them first. They're so much fun and bring so much joy to my life. But something was always missing - I had a deep desire to experience being the mommy of a little boy. I can't wait to experience the special bond between a mother and her son! As I write this, Maxon is not quite 6 months old but he is already a mama's boy 😉 

I feel like I screw up every day. I get too frustrated with my kids, I get irritated with Matt, I get mad at myself for not living up to the expectations put out there by society. I feel like I don't measure up. Sometimes my mom guilt is so intense at night that I just want to wake up my girls and hug them. This is all just a part of life and something I have to deal with in this season. There will come a day when I've raised my children and a new season will begin. I'm going to enjoy every second of this roller coaster ride that I can! There's the saying, The days are long but the years are short. This could not be more true. I hope that when my children are grown they will look back and see just how much their mama has always loved them. I hope they see past all of my shortcomings and imperfections and remember the good times. They're my heartbeat and I am so very thankful for my precious family. 

Valentine's Day 2016

Today has been a great day. Heck, this past year has been pretty awesome. Last Valentine's Day I was hoping beyond hope that I was pregnant. I was scared to get excited because of the miscarriage, but I had a feeling I just might be pregnant again. I decided I would take a test the next morning, my birthday. We were staying in Savannah, so the next day we went to the mall and I took a test in with me. I couldn't believe when the lines showed up that I was pregnant again!!! I was so excited I couldn't stand it but Matt and I agreed we wouldn't share the news publicly until we were further along. Losing our baby 3 months prior had been so horrible and we were both scared to get too excited. 

Like I said in an earlier post, I'm so mad at myself for not documenting the pregnancy. I will try to remember things but now that my precious boy is here, the pregnancy woes are mostly forgotten. 

I will say that the first trimester was torture. I stayed so sick and I had zero energy. It was hard to get through the day, yet impossible to get a lot of rest because of other obligations, like moming and adulting. I felt like the first trimester would never end and I would never make it to 16 weeks to find out the gender! 

We went all out and had a fun gender reveal party. I was sure it was another girl, but at the same time sure it would be a boy this time. Basically I had no clue. When I cut into that cake and saw blue all I could do was cry! I would've been so in love with a third girl, of course, but I had always wanted a son. I couldn't wait to experience the bond between a mother and her boy. 

The second trimester went by much too quickly and before I knew it I was into the last stretch. Of course the last few months were rough because I couldn't breathe or tie my shoes or shave my legs, but in no time at all it was October and time for my little man to arrive. He was due on Oct 21 but both girls were early so we weren't sure when to expect him. Matt had to travel for work the last week of September and the first week of October. We were so scared he might be out of town when baby boy decided to come! Thankfully I carried Maxon to 39 weeks and he was born on October 14. 

I've been blessed to have good labors and deliveries. They're no walk in the park, but the labors are quick and I've recovered well from all three. I'm so very thankful for this! 

The rough part came when Maxon was one day old when I started dealing with some baby blues but I think I'll save all that for another blog. Maxon has just woken up fussy and I'm going to nurse him back to sleep. Will post more when I have the chance! 

Catching up

This will be a quick post and I will try to write more soon. When I was pregnant in the fall of 2014 I wanted to record every moment of it. I had plans of "doing better" as far as keeping up with everything. Then I miscarried. The grief was overwhelming. I'm thankful that I recorded my story but I lost my desire to keep up with all that was happening apart from that. 

Fast forward a few months and I found out on my birthday 2015 that I was pregnant again. I was terrified of losing another baby. I didn't blog about my pregnancy and I really regret that. I gave birth to a perfect baby boy in October 2015 and as I type this I am snuggled up with him. 

I will try to blog very soon and fill in a bunch of gaps of what has happened in the year since I last blogged. I at least wanted to write a little in case I allow life to distract me further from blogging.